10 Tips To Get What You Want

I feel as though I should state as a disclaimer that though many of these tips will likely get you what you want, a lot of people will probably think very little of you if you ever go through with #3, #5 and #8. Let’s just get to business then:

1) Pay people:  If you really want something, just give people money. Statistics have proven that people like being handed cash. That’s the only reason people actually like celebrities and other rich people. It’s because deep down, we all believe that by some odd chance, we will magically encounter a wealthy person and all of our troubles will disappear. We do whatever we can in our power to form a bond with Richie Rich. Why? Because PEOPLE LIKE MONEY. Sixty-something year-old sugar daddies, I’m sorry but that twenty year-old strapped around your waist is only there for your dollar bills, no matter how many times she tells you that your hair loss is endearing. It’s not true. Sorry but someone had to break the news.

Screen Shot 2015-04-14 at 5.09.15 PM

2) Be nice:  People appreciate nice people for some reason, and as a result, will feel obliged to do what you want the nicer you are.

Screen Shot 2015-04-14 at 5.09.21 PM

3) Be mean:  People are scared of mean people and as a result will give you what you want out of fear.

I'm not sure why I chose this image, but it seems pretty mean.

I’m not sure why I chose this image, but it seems pretty mean.

4) Make promises (I don’t really care if you follow through with them, but making them is a good start):  When you promise people you will do something, they actually believe you. So if you make a promise saying that you will repay the favour some day, there’s a good chance you might get what you want!

5) Cry:  People find cryers really annoying. In order to get you to shut up, they might just give you what you’re asking for. If babies can get away with it, I really don’t see why adults can’t. Give it a go and then let me know how it works out for you.

mike-tyson-drawing-john-harding

That’s Mike Tyson crying. Heavy stuff.

6) Asking out of nowhere:  I know it’s crazy, but sometimes asking works.

7) Praise :  Start off by complimenting the person you are trying to get something from. Do this for maybe a week before you actually ask them for whatever it is you want. Everyday, just tell them what you really like about them, compliment them on their attire, pretty much suck up to them in every way possible. Then when the week is up, make the request. If that doesn’t work, please refer to tip #5.

8) Threaten:  This tip really goes hand in hand with tip #3. You can always threaten someone to give you what you want. For instance, if you have a sibling who has a really nice sweater you want to borrow, you can say to them: “If you don’t lend me your sweater voluntarily, I’m just going to take it anyway.” It’s a win-win situation.

I don’t actually have any more tips, so let’s just say #9 and #10 will be left to your imagination. Remember folks, these tips are meant to be used in moments of sheer desperation. You shouldn’t be greedy and always try to get what you want. That’s when people start getting suspicious. Thanks for reading, and good luck getting what you want.

**Please note: Threats are bad and you should not threaten people for any reason. Also don’t be mean. It’s not nice. This blog is a comedy blog and I do not promote uncivilized behaviour. It’s 2015 for crying out loud. By now you should know how to act like a decent person.**

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *