Bullshit: An Assumed definition

I’ve always considered myself to be very perceptive. I think that I’m good at reading people, and being able to spot the shit-talkers from the truth-tellers. I feel as though there is a specific pattern required in being able to spot a master bullshitter. During my many sessions of pondering the nature of this particular skill (yes, bullshitting is in fact a skill), I have grown more aware of the categories that make up the overarching subject area that is Bullshitting. What I have learned, I have decided to graciously share with the rest of the world. What do I hope to accomplish from this endeavour? Nothing specific, really. I’d be satisfied if this blog helped to spawn just ONE other bullshitter. If that happens, I’ve done my job.

THE CATEGORIES OF BS:

There are 3 major types of bullshitter out there. Each one is talented in their own specific way. All bullshitters do have one thing in common, though; a selfish goal. If you are not a selfish person (i.e.. Mother Teresa) please stop reading now. This blog may just upset you. If you ARE inherently doing everything with selfish intentions, you may carry on.

Bullshitter Type A:

The One-Upper

The One-Upper is probably my least favourite kind of bullshitter. This individual is extremely self-obsessed, but also incredibly unaware of how much they actually suck. I’ll give you an example of this person. Let’s say you just got a huge promotion at your job. You got a significant pay increase too, and all your friends and family members are extremely proud of you. Then enters the One-Upper. This person is often someone in your extended friend group (think high school friends you occasionally see at reunions or house parties or the grocery store). They generally feign interest in what you do, but for the most part it’s just so that they can express their own impressive feats in return. They often try to correct you, or shut your ideas down (even when you’re OBVIOUSLY making a joke). Like this one time, I was talking to a One-Upper and I mentioned a tattoo idea I had in mind. First they told me the design was “nice- but..” and carried on to pick it apart. Eventually I said I would probably just settle for a picture of my own face on my butt- just to shut them up. Everyone else in the room laughed, realizing I had no intention of doing something that stupid (my apologies to anyone out there who is that stupid. Good luck in life). One-Upper, on the other hand, persisted to express the unlikeliness of me actually following through with that plan, and how would I procure a stencil of my face, and it’s kind of slutty to get a tattoo on your ass, and on and on and on. Can I just say that never in my life, whether I am intoxicated to my absolute limits, or whether I am sober, would I ever do that to my ass (or to my face). Does this One-Upper truly believe that I have no class whatsoever? Also, for the record, with today’s technology, it’s actually incredibly easy to get a stencil of your own face.

Anyway- so you get a promotion. In response to your amazing promotion, the One-Upper will either question your credentials, mention a time they also received a promotion, or simply express their lack of interest or belief in the work that you do- or in promotions in general. Essentially, everything you do in life should lead to your complete avoidance of becoming this type of person. Believe me, no one likes this kind of bullshitter because they are inherently insecure and find satisfaction in shutting down others.

Bullshitter Type B:

The Nonchalant Negotiator

This type of bullshitter is cunning, but once you figure them out they can just be very frustrating to deal with. The Nonchalant Negotiator seems to dilute the importance of everything until the point that you become so frustrated with their seeming lack of interest, that you eventually do exactly what they planned all along: which will end up being whatever it is they wanted to do in the first place.

Here, I’ll lay it out for you. Let’s say you want to go to a free concert that is happening in the city. You invite the Nonchalant Negotiator to join you. At first, they will express sincere interest! Their level of enthusiasm increases your level of enthusiasm. THEN, they will toss out another suggestion like: “There’s this awesome DJ playing in my neighbourhood, we should go to that instead”. This now leaves you at a cross-roads where you are torn because you actually thought the Nonchalant Negotiator wanted to go to the concert you had suggested prior. WRONG. That was bait, dummy! If you really do want to go to the concert, you will try to remind them in a subtle way of their initial excitement for your previous suggestion. This is where their initial enthusiasm suddenly transforms to complete indifference. They will just shrug and say “Yeah whatever, I guess we could do that”, never outright expressing their lack of interest in your first offer. This will continue until you eventually toss your plans out the window to make them happy. Why does this work? Because that initial burst of excitement that they previewed to you is still stuck in your mind’s eye. You long for that excitement again, and just watch, the moment you become their bitch, you will get all the enthusiasm you ever longed for. It’s kind of like reverse psychology, but completely different. Be weary, young grasshopper, the Nonchalant Negotiator is a force to be reckoned with.

Bullshitter Type C:

The Straight-Up Douche

(Don’t be shaking your heads in disdain. We all know Kanye is a straight-up douche. Don’t live in denial.)

Okay, come on, the name says it all, and I’m sure you already have a list of at least 3 people you know who fall into this category of bullshitter. The Straight-Up Douche is an arrogant prick, but for some reason guys and gals flock around this shit head. Why? Because the type C bullshitter exerts a high level of confidence, arrogance and volume. Sometimes they also tend to flaunt their cash around, as if stating to the world that they buy their friends. These bullshitters make great Sugar Daddies and Mamas, but are actually a chore to be around for more than 15 minutes at a time. Similar to our type A bullshitter, the Douche is extremely over-confident to the point of cockiness. They like to brag about their vast (usually not so vast) accomplishments. Some of these statements might include: “Bro, I just pressed 4 plates on each side!” or “Everyone in this bar keeps checking me out and buying me drinks!” or “Is that sweater from Wal-Mart? I only by my clothes at Boathouse.” For the record folks, only purchasing your clothing from Boathouse is weird. Get a variety of fashion pieces in your wardrobe for crying out loud. The thing that really makes them a bullshitter though, is that most of the time they aren’t actually rich, they still live in their parents’ basement, they pressed 4 plates, but only did one rep, and the only reason they buy all their clothes at Boathouse is because that’s where they work and after tossing all of their cash around they can’t afford to shop anywhere that doesn’t offer them a 50% discount at all times.

Needless to say, bullshitters A through C are all relatively obnoxious. You probably feel as though you mildly associate with one of them. If you feel as though you completely relate to one of them, or you know someone who falls into any of the above categories, please continue to read.

Despite their lack of appeal, BSers A, B and C all have some qualities that when used in small amounts, really compliment each other. The right combination of A, B and C can result in a fourth type of bullshitter. This fourth variation, which we shall refer to as Type G (for GOLDEN) is known as The Charmer (but also referred to as the Subtle Manipulator). This, folks, is what you should strive to be. The Charmer’s characteristics draw from the One-Upper’s ability to ego-bust, from the Nonchalant Negotiator’s…nonchalance, and from the Straight-Up Douche’s confidence and arrogance. All of these combined with a touch of praise for the person you are trying to bullshit, should pretty much get you whatever you want. But it’s not that easy to truly “Master” the Art of Bullshitting. Why do you think I started this blog? If you want to learn how to truly BS your way through life, you should definitely stay tuned.